Wednesday, December 31, 2008
Tuesday, December 30, 2008
and then there were none.
there once was a clown....
and then my mom had too many drinks on her birthday and decapitated it by banging its face into the granite at bonefish. (the piece on the left would be the hat that fell off when his face was crushed).
-m1
and then my mom had too many drinks on her birthday and decapitated it by banging its face into the granite at bonefish. (the piece on the left would be the hat that fell off when his face was crushed).
-m1
Sunday, December 28, 2008
meerkat (olson) manor
team olson meerkats in their natural habitat: standing on chairs in bars using meerkat-neck to see everything that is going on.
Thursday, December 25, 2008
oh we will definitely win with this one
I bet Santa didn't bring you this for christmas...
"did you buy those when you worked in value city?" -mom
"how did you know that?" grandma
"how much were they?" mom
"guess" grandma
".99" mom
"2.99" grandma.
"this women was buying these things and i didn't know what they were and i thought they looked cool so i bought 6 packs of them"
my birthday was in August and apparently this was my left over birthday present? interesting..
merry christmas everyone. fya. m1
"did you buy those when you worked in value city?" -mom
"how did you know that?" grandma
"how much were they?" mom
"guess" grandma
".99" mom
"2.99" grandma.
"this women was buying these things and i didn't know what they were and i thought they looked cool so i bought 6 packs of them"
my birthday was in August and apparently this was my left over birthday present? interesting..
merry christmas everyone. fya. m1
Wednesday, December 24, 2008
merry fucking xmas, fya team olson
'Twas the night before Team Olson maxxout xmas
when all through the bar
Not a creature wasnt blacked out, not even Zoe Olson
The stockings were hung in 7-11 with care,
In hopes that 2D soon would be there;
The maxx-outs were nestled all drunk on their beds
While visions of coffee flavored sugar milk danced in m1s head;
And m2 in her 1000 count eqyptian cotton sheets, and finn in his jean jacket with a (missing) ipod,
Had just paid for a maxxout 17 hour bus ride
When down in 7-11 there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from my barstool to see what the fuck was the matter.
Away to 7-11, m1 galloped and kicked,
Tore out the her microphone and performed her schtick
The moon on the breast of m1's holiday attire
Gave the luster of decency (fya, i am a liar)
When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a miniature short bus, and eight members of team o (not those fucking reindeer),
With a big fat ol' driver, obviously not jamaican
I knew in a moment it must be a chawbacon
More christmastoe then ever (his wife was to blame)
And he whistled, and shouted, and called the team o members by name;
"Now, AMO! now, M1! now, KMO and MH!
On, Br1! on Packy! on, KGree and Finn!
To the top of the google search! to the top of bookface wall!
Now mbo! tiu! coc! all!
" As dry leaves that before the team olson hurricane fly,
When they meet a hater, fuck their ass, dont cry,
So to the top of the blog charts, the maxxout posts sure flew,
With the sleigh full of inside jokes (tickets for under the bus too)
And then, in a twinkling, I heard on the roof
The raunchy dancing of each little hoof.
As I drew in my hand, and was turning around,
Down the chimney 2D, came with a bound.
He was dressed in Team O gear, hollering to Chicago, Brooklyn, and DC
And his clothes were all tarnished with red wine and sangree
A bundle of apple products he had flung on his back,
And he looked like steve jobs just opening his mac.
His ipods how they twinkled! his iphones, filled with apps!
His macbooks were like diamonds, which made their hands clap
His trash mouth was cussing a storm,
But team o didnt care, because that is the norm
The glass of cakebread wine, he poured down his throat,
And the warmth it brought on, team o was a float
They all had full faces, and were all full of wine
(Just the right combo to get way out of line)
They were dancing and prancing, just like team olson does
And everyone got jeal when they saw them (its so obvious)
In a wink of their eye and a twist of their head,
Soon gave everyone knowledge they had nothing to dread;
They spoke all their acronyms, and went straight to their work,
And filled all of the megapixels with their famous smirks
And a little too soon, out of the bar they did leave
And giving a nod, with tricks up their sleeves
They sprang to their taxi, giving team o a whistle
And away they all flew like the down of a thistle.
But I heard them exclaim, as they rode out of sight,
"To ALL, Fuck Your Ass!, and to ALL a good-night"
when all through the bar
Not a creature wasnt blacked out, not even Zoe Olson
The stockings were hung in 7-11 with care,
In hopes that 2D soon would be there;
The maxx-outs were nestled all drunk on their beds
While visions of coffee flavored sugar milk danced in m1s head;
And m2 in her 1000 count eqyptian cotton sheets, and finn in his jean jacket with a (missing) ipod,
Had just paid for a maxxout 17 hour bus ride
When down in 7-11 there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from my barstool to see what the fuck was the matter.
Away to 7-11, m1 galloped and kicked,
Tore out the her microphone and performed her schtick
The moon on the breast of m1's holiday attire
Gave the luster of decency (fya, i am a liar)
When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a miniature short bus, and eight members of team o (not those fucking reindeer),
With a big fat ol' driver, obviously not jamaican
I knew in a moment it must be a chawbacon
More christmastoe then ever (his wife was to blame)
And he whistled, and shouted, and called the team o members by name;
"Now, AMO! now, M1! now, KMO and MH!
On, Br1! on Packy! on, KGree and Finn!
To the top of the google search! to the top of bookface wall!
Now mbo! tiu! coc! all!
" As dry leaves that before the team olson hurricane fly,
When they meet a hater, fuck their ass, dont cry,
So to the top of the blog charts, the maxxout posts sure flew,
With the sleigh full of inside jokes (tickets for under the bus too)
And then, in a twinkling, I heard on the roof
The raunchy dancing of each little hoof.
As I drew in my hand, and was turning around,
Down the chimney 2D, came with a bound.
He was dressed in Team O gear, hollering to Chicago, Brooklyn, and DC
And his clothes were all tarnished with red wine and sangree
A bundle of apple products he had flung on his back,
And he looked like steve jobs just opening his mac.
His ipods how they twinkled! his iphones, filled with apps!
His macbooks were like diamonds, which made their hands clap
His trash mouth was cussing a storm,
But team o didnt care, because that is the norm
The glass of cakebread wine, he poured down his throat,
And the warmth it brought on, team o was a float
They all had full faces, and were all full of wine
(Just the right combo to get way out of line)
They were dancing and prancing, just like team olson does
And everyone got jeal when they saw them (its so obvious)
In a wink of their eye and a twist of their head,
Soon gave everyone knowledge they had nothing to dread;
They spoke all their acronyms, and went straight to their work,
And filled all of the megapixels with their famous smirks
And a little too soon, out of the bar they did leave
And giving a nod, with tricks up their sleeves
They sprang to their taxi, giving team o a whistle
And away they all flew like the down of a thistle.
But I heard them exclaim, as they rode out of sight,
"To ALL, Fuck Your Ass!, and to ALL a good-night"
better warn anyone who wears black levis about this...
December 24: christmastoe
see also mooseltoe. Camel toe at Christmas time.
Mrs. Clause is always worried about christmastoe during her holiday picture opportunities at the mall.
Through Irish Eyes or one brown eye
I would like to let everyone in on a day in the life of me as i see it. The day I would like to share is Monday, Decemer 22nd. This is the day I had at 26 years old my first colonoscopy. Everyone told me the prep was the worst part. I beg to differ. But the prep sucked too. I wont get into most of the prep but it consisted of drinking a fowl tasting 32 oz beverage and not eating for about 30 hours except for jello. The rest of the prep is far too digusting to mention on this blog.
So I am all prepped and ready to go as I lay on the bed in my gown with no underwear looking around at all of the other patients in the room. By the way the room that they prep you to go in for the procedure is the same as the recovery room. Again, I am looking around the room at people mostly asleep from anesthesia. I notice that they are taking entirely too long to wake up and i say to myself, not me im getting right the hell outta here as soon as I come to. I also notice this older black women across the way that I immediately realize should be in a nursing home. She had a bottom lip that hung down to her chest and she was unable to answer simple questions such as who is driving you home? or are you diabetic? Then comes my IV insertion. This is what I call the worst part not the drinking of prep beverage. Apparently my veins sucked cuz i was really dehydrated. Although they kept saying they look good they look good. Well, after about 6 attempts and me being in great pain the nurse says, "I dont think i can get this, I'll have to call Rose over". Im like what? Rose? Where was Rose to begin with? What were you doing before? Practice time on my arms. So Rose comes over and takes a stab at it (ha) literally i guess. i can tell that when she put in the IV it still wasnt in right cuz it hurt really bad. But i didnt say anything cuz i thought that i was starting to look like a heroin addict with all of my puncture wounds.
So they wheel me into the procedure room and i notice that it is now 11:30 and I'm thinking to myself, why the fuck did that have me arrive at 930 if i dont even get wheeled in until 1130? whatever. So inside the procedure room i meet the Anesthesiologist. She is looking over my chart and she starts laughing. im like what are laughing at shes like it says here how much alcohol you consume and you put 5 beverages a week ( i low balled the shit out of that) im like yeah i have 5 beverages what of it? shes like usually people dont put beverages they put drinks, im like whatever. so then shes about to put me to sleep and i tell her that just to warn you guys i think there is still like a lot of liquis in my stomach so you might wanna watch out. she says dont worry we have one of those suction things like dentists have. im thinking whoever has to hold that thing has the worst job ever. After that i discuss that i am going to try to fight off the anesthesia as best i can and stay away for as long as i can. she then injects the sleep potion. i scream out im gonna fight it! and im not sure i got out all of the words before i fell asleep.
as im waking up i felt like i drank an entire bottle of gin. i was if i was black out drunk. i was back in the original room recovering. with 10 other people ( some prepping some recovering). The first thing i hear is the nurse right in my face saying you sure do like that F word. Im like what? what do you mean. she then tells me that i have been ripping off my wires and IV an stuff and saying fuck. Now i know that if I said fuck to my nurse than i probabaly told her that i will SEE HER NEXT TUESDAY aswell. so im like super embarassed but im still feeling drunker than ever. Then i remember that im not going to be one of those people that hangs around recovering all day. I hop up and say call my parents im ready to go give me my juice and graham crackers. I pounded the juice and there were crums all over me from the graham cracker. still im and back and forth from being aware of what i was doing at all. i then realize that i must have pissed off all of the nurses so i try make them liek me again. I see this Happy Holidays sign and i blurt out raelly loud, " Christmas is in 3 days, do you believe that". none of them responded so i think what can i do to ease this tension. I fall back asleep but when i wake back up im singing i have no gift to bring pa rum pum pum pum. (i think i was singing this cuz at nicholas' Christmas Pageant at Church of the Brethren Preschool i saw him singing this) anyway again no one responds to my singing so i sing louder and louder and louder thinking they must not hear me. Finally i hear this nurse say, " sounds like we got a singer over there" Right at that time i see my mom and dad come in. i jumped out of bed not realizing that i had little control of my balance. i damn near crashed into like 3 other people recovering while i was on my way to going to get dressed.
Finally im dressed and my parents walk me outta there as if i had downed a bottle of patron. I dont completely sober up until i get home an hour later.
End result, no colon cancer.
Just a little slice of life through my eyes
Merry Christmas,
PMB
Friday, December 19, 2008
Tuesday, December 16, 2008
AMO-ENTP
before i ever had a chance to decide my personality type - kmo, m1, and m2 had already figured it out. typs obvi - analyzers.
hey, atleast they didn't throw me under the bus! i think they got it pretty damn close:
ENTPs are frequently described as clever, cerebrally and verbally quick, enthusiastic, outgoing, innovative, flexible, loyal and resourceful. ENTPs are motivated by a desire to understand and improve the world they live in. They are usually accurate in sizing up a situation. They may have a perverse sense of humor and sometimes play devil's advocate, which can create misunderstandings with friends, coworkers, and family. ENTPs are ingenious and adept at directing relationships between means and ends. ENTPs "think outside the box," devising fresh, unexpected solutions to difficult problems. However, they are less interested in generating and following through with detailed plans than in generating ideas and possibilities. When ENTPs are used correctly on a team, they offer deep understanding and a high degree of flexibility and problem solving ability. The ENTP regards a comment like "it can't be done" as a personal challenge, and, if properly motivated, will spare no expense to discover a solution.
check, check, check. im officially obsessed. i want to take the real test to see if its right.
its snowing in nyc,
<3 amo
learning new things MIGHT be dangerous
my sister is now taking this class oh how to administer the myers briggs test and one would normally say "ew who wants to take a class for a week straight" but nope not in my family. we all get equally as into it and it gives us yet another thing to start analyzing the shit out of. thats probably what we do best in my family is either throw people under the bus or analyze the shit out of everyone until you're in a 'category' as i was once told. so tonight k calls and wants to tell me all about the class and IMMEDIATELY we are putting me into a certain category while my moms yelling in the background what she is. a few minutes later while sitting at my moms, i'm on a speaker phone conference call with amo & kmo trying to figure out what exactly category amo would fall in. (i should note that while i'm on the conference call, i'm also running video chat with browneyed girl and gchatting with pudgy).
ENTJ yup thats what we decided I am. The strange part about it is, k's the same letters. Knowing us you would NOT put us in the same category at ALL. i'm a max out and shes more together (if you will). heres how the entj gets translated:
ENTJs often excel in business. In general, they are assertive, outspoken, confident, outgoing, energetic, charismatic, fair-minded, and unaffected by conflict or criticism. However, other traits may lessen the impact of their strengths. They may appear argumentative, confrontational, insensitive, intimidating, and controlling. They can overwhelm others with their energy, intelligence, and desire to order the world around them.
i'm pretty sure that sums me right up. or in other words a nice bitch. :)
this won't be the end of the blogging about this because i think i'm just opening the can of worms that will probably go on for a while. and if you dont know what it is i suggest you learn quickly before we throw you under for not knowing what the personality test is. we seem to take these kind of things to a new level until we can't talk about them anymore. we'd be happy to analyze your personality type and will be forming a questionnaire to complete for us to figure out exactly what you are....ciao.
m1 drive carefully. night
ENTJ yup thats what we decided I am. The strange part about it is, k's the same letters. Knowing us you would NOT put us in the same category at ALL. i'm a max out and shes more together (if you will). heres how the entj gets translated:
ENTJs often excel in business. In general, they are assertive, outspoken, confident, outgoing, energetic, charismatic, fair-minded, and unaffected by conflict or criticism. However, other traits may lessen the impact of their strengths. They may appear argumentative, confrontational, insensitive, intimidating, and controlling. They can overwhelm others with their energy, intelligence, and desire to order the world around them.
i'm pretty sure that sums me right up. or in other words a nice bitch. :)
this won't be the end of the blogging about this because i think i'm just opening the can of worms that will probably go on for a while. and if you dont know what it is i suggest you learn quickly before we throw you under for not knowing what the personality test is. we seem to take these kind of things to a new level until we can't talk about them anymore. we'd be happy to analyze your personality type and will be forming a questionnaire to complete for us to figure out exactly what you are....ciao.
m1 drive carefully. night
finn's (xmas) wish list
-one belt (black)
-one pair of shoes (black)
-one other pair of shoes (puma, its already picked out and i sent you the link, now don't screw this up mom and give it to my twin brother like you do every year)
-bus tickets
-all of your frequent flyer miles (plus $7 for a drink on the plane)
-$1 dollar pbrs
-one coupon booklet, including but not limited to:
"hang out w/ me (m1) at 7/11" coupon"you may have my spare change" coupon
"you may have this sweet jean jacket and ipod i found" coupon (its not your fault but i'll never get over it)
"i will manage your email accounts for you" couponetc., etc.
-my student loans paid off (priceless, thus unachievable)
-one cat (LOL preferable)
less than three,
sbmo
an afternoon in fake china
this past weekend my dad and stepmom came up to nyc to visit. they've come up before and done all of the touristy things....walking over the brooklyn bridge, going to the top of the empire, going to the top of the ROCK, taking a stroll around central park, blah,blah,blah.
this time..the first words out of my dads mouth as he was spouting out his plan of attack for the 28 hours he would be here were "lets go fake purse shopping in chinatown"
(good thing i wasn't drinking/eating anything as i was talking to him on the phone. otherwise i might had to have been resuscitated.)
anyway, so they arrive to brooklyn (he usually says something along the lines of YYYEAAHHHH BRROOOKLYN!! WE ARE GONNA HANG OUT IN BROOKLYN TONIGHT!!!!), we walk up to my apartment (OMG 6 FLIGHTS NO WONDER YOU STAY IN SHAPE!!!!!!), then we head over to manhattan to check them into the hotel, then off to china town!!!
okay. so i have never done this fake purse thing before. so i had no idea what to expect. i wasn't sure if i was going to get arrested, or get abducted and sold into some asian slave trade, or maybe even be forced to eat some dead cat or something. who knows, its china town.
we come up off the subway and IMMEDIATLEY get hounded by 100 tiny asian people who are holding cards with pictures of purses on them,whispering rolex into your ear, and flashing you glimpses of gucci sunglasses out of black plastic bags. this is a pretty typs chinatown experience, i just usually punch them in the face and keep walking.
we say yes to some 2'11" chinese man, and then he starts sprinting down the street away from us. (assuming we are supposed to follow him) we run to catch up with him and he leads us a couple of blocks to a street corner. then he stops and says something so fast and points down the street and runs away. then slowly the door to the back of a van (from illinois, why didnt you hitch a ride with them sbmo???) opens up and a tiny asian woman peeks her head out and tells us that 2 people can come into the back of the van.
its a hot mess. purses everywhere - when you pick one up she puts it on you and yells so loud that it looks so good on you and then immediately starts bargaining to make sure you buy it. i wasn't that interested, and was getting uncomfortable with the entire situation, so i basically just sat there and watched while nm1 attacked the pile of bags. (sidenote - at one point i take a glance outside and br1 and my dad are standing there so awkward on the street corner with a group of overweight tourists waiting in line for the van)
so nm1 picks out 4 purses, they throw in a wallet for free, and we are on our way.
i cant wait to see what my dad suggests we do next time he comes to nyc.
fya,
amo
(ps - i changed the blog colors. again. thoughts?)
this time..the first words out of my dads mouth as he was spouting out his plan of attack for the 28 hours he would be here were "lets go fake purse shopping in chinatown"
(good thing i wasn't drinking/eating anything as i was talking to him on the phone. otherwise i might had to have been resuscitated.)
anyway, so they arrive to brooklyn (he usually says something along the lines of YYYEAAHHHH BRROOOKLYN!! WE ARE GONNA HANG OUT IN BROOKLYN TONIGHT!!!!), we walk up to my apartment (OMG 6 FLIGHTS NO WONDER YOU STAY IN SHAPE!!!!!!), then we head over to manhattan to check them into the hotel, then off to china town!!!
okay. so i have never done this fake purse thing before. so i had no idea what to expect. i wasn't sure if i was going to get arrested, or get abducted and sold into some asian slave trade, or maybe even be forced to eat some dead cat or something. who knows, its china town.
we come up off the subway and IMMEDIATLEY get hounded by 100 tiny asian people who are holding cards with pictures of purses on them,whispering rolex into your ear, and flashing you glimpses of gucci sunglasses out of black plastic bags. this is a pretty typs chinatown experience, i just usually punch them in the face and keep walking.
we say yes to some 2'11" chinese man, and then he starts sprinting down the street away from us. (assuming we are supposed to follow him) we run to catch up with him and he leads us a couple of blocks to a street corner. then he stops and says something so fast and points down the street and runs away. then slowly the door to the back of a van (from illinois, why didnt you hitch a ride with them sbmo???) opens up and a tiny asian woman peeks her head out and tells us that 2 people can come into the back of the van.
its a hot mess. purses everywhere - when you pick one up she puts it on you and yells so loud that it looks so good on you and then immediately starts bargaining to make sure you buy it. i wasn't that interested, and was getting uncomfortable with the entire situation, so i basically just sat there and watched while nm1 attacked the pile of bags. (sidenote - at one point i take a glance outside and br1 and my dad are standing there so awkward on the street corner with a group of overweight tourists waiting in line for the van)
so nm1 picks out 4 purses, they throw in a wallet for free, and we are on our way.
i cant wait to see what my dad suggests we do next time he comes to nyc.
fya,
amo
(ps - i changed the blog colors. again. thoughts?)
Monday, December 15, 2008
sbmotto's romance planet
im gonna get some liquid sunshine, so im all cracked out when i write the blog.
So the Red-Eye is a local rag that I only pick up on Mondays to Wednesdays because that's when the Sudokus are easy enough for me to do them. And here are the horoscopes from "Romance Planet" the daily bullshit generator.
MH: pisces
Mars is reminding you that unless you get clear about your goals, you'll never achieve them. If your dream is to have 2.5 kids, an SUV and a spouse, ask yourself if you are on the path to achieving this. If not, make some adjustments to your life strategy.
MH. If you only had 2.5 kids would you rather have just the top half or just the bottom half? Or would you sell it on the black market? I know someone at Paddy's Pub in Philadelphia that could help you out.
AMO: Cancer
Money issues have been a major pain in the but for you this year with financial planner Jupiter opposite your sign. The good news? This lasts only a few more months. The bad news? This lasts a few more months. Demand massages from your honey until you feel better.
So you're still poor? I suspected as much.
M1: Virgo
Three planets are conspiring to bring you a breakthrough. Maybe you'll finally find a pair of low-rise jeans that don't make you look pregnant (Lalipop). Perhaps you'll locate the perfect hat to conceal the bald spot (on your chawbacon bf). Overall, things are looking up. Celebrate with a few sexy friends.
Have you ever looked pregnant? No. I didn't think so. When you're partying w/ your sexy friends lets try to keep it that way.
KMO/Finn: Scorpio
Right now, it's all about the sex. You're not concerned about the long-term aspects of a relationship. All you can focus on is the mind-bending passion. Just remember that your partner could be falling madly in love with you. Oops.
Oops indeed.
Two scoops,
finn
Friday, December 12, 2008
can we please bring back dba?
so we emailed our mom sober (shakes head no):
Dear Mom,
we have NOT seen hedonism but there is some hideous shit going on at our resort. look if you are 50+ fat and have saggy boobs you should NOT flaunt them. side note if you have a large dick and balls you should also not flaunt that. orrr your anus for that matter bc i dont want to see it. (this is where dba originated)
we finally had a normal meal tonight. first one yet that hasnt given us diahherea. (now called mbo) is that BAD? anyhow, back to the storie, our waitrese told us to wait befoer we left because her boss wanted to talk to us BUT really he just wanted to speke to our boobies, which we have now named. sally & susie for K, linda & lucy for L. okay???????????
the spa we cfl'ed about bc everything else was so bad we figured that would be bad as well. i have NO idea what the line they use is and i'm sure its some generic shit that is made up. they probably went to the local drug store *if there are any
what were your other questions??????
we DO have goode tans. we look hott. pause. noot.
we leave tomorrow on a flight outta hur at 530 returning to the capital of ravens stadium at 9:20ish. its 4 oclock somewhere. i'm fucking ******* tomorrow night is that bad?? (i'm sure mom immed said "thats nice talk trash mouth")
mom its k again, your daughter L is SOOOOO DRUNK.i swear shes an ALCHOLHOIC!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! what is wrong with her!!!!??!?!?!??!?!?!?
ps we are sitting in the terrace trashed righting this email right now.
the whether is amazing, liquid sunshine is fucking amazying.
we heart you and ps we got tramp stamps is that bad?
k says WELCOME TO JAMAICA to everyone she sees since its fucking always raining and horrible.
everyone here brakess glasses and shit its so fucking annoying typs....
okay we out mon. dude we were supposed to go to dunns rier falls today with a local (don't freak out we left a death note in the room) no seriously we did. but he freakin' stood us up so you get your daughters back in one piece.
we miss you maxed out and dom't lose this email aiiiight.??? it would be in your deleted items though is that bad?
love you soo much and we'll be home tomorrow night really l8.
sista luv.
aml (al my love)
kisses and hugs to zoe
xoxoxo
miss you
love you
K & ello
is it bad that we tried to misspell words to annoy her and wrote NO punctuation for the same reason?? i still love this email
Dear Mom,
we have NOT seen hedonism but there is some hideous shit going on at our resort. look if you are 50+ fat and have saggy boobs you should NOT flaunt them. side note if you have a large dick and balls you should also not flaunt that. orrr your anus for that matter bc i dont want to see it. (this is where dba originated)
we finally had a normal meal tonight. first one yet that hasnt given us diahherea. (now called mbo) is that BAD? anyhow, back to the storie, our waitrese told us to wait befoer we left because her boss wanted to talk to us BUT really he just wanted to speke to our boobies, which we have now named. sally & susie for K, linda & lucy for L. okay???????????
the spa we cfl'ed about bc everything else was so bad we figured that would be bad as well. i have NO idea what the line they use is and i'm sure its some generic shit that is made up. they probably went to the local drug store *if there are any
what were your other questions??????
we DO have goode tans. we look hott. pause. noot.
we leave tomorrow on a flight outta hur at 530 returning to the capital of ravens stadium at 9:20ish. its 4 oclock somewhere. i'm fucking ******* tomorrow night is that bad?? (i'm sure mom immed said "thats nice talk trash mouth")
mom its k again, your daughter L is SOOOOO DRUNK.i swear shes an ALCHOLHOIC!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
ps we are sitting in the terrace trashed righting this email right now.
the whether is amazing, liquid sunshine is fucking amazying.
we heart you and ps we got tramp stamps is that bad?
k says WELCOME TO JAMAICA to everyone she sees since its fucking always raining and horrible.
everyone here brakess glasses and shit its so fucking annoying typs....
okay we out mon. dude we were supposed to go to dunns rier falls today with a local (don't freak out we left a death note in the room) no seriously we did. but he freakin' stood us up so you get your daughters back in one piece.
we miss you maxed out and dom't lose this email aiiiight.??? it would be in your deleted items though is that bad?
love you soo much and we'll be home tomorrow night really l8.
sista luv.
aml (al my love)
kisses and hugs to zoe
xoxoxo
miss you
love you
K & ello
is it bad that we tried to misspell words to annoy her and wrote NO punctuation for the same reason?? i still love this email
ricky bowie has to comment via posts
ricky bowie has a few comments about the blog, but they wont let him use the internet over at the detention center so hes asked me to pass them on to you.
1. picture of you with random blacks and hi-fiving whites: darnell looks more like a Carlton to me like Carlton Banks. you should borrow that shirt from shanice, i think you would look stunning in it. i picture you stepping out of your BMW while talking on your Blackberry after just receiving a $300 hair styling and mani and pedi all with shanice's shirt on. ITB?
in that picture i feel the gloves are obnoxious, i mean do you have a cigarette holder in your other hand?
2. I always thought of mimosas as being more orange in color, but they are delicious especially on Christmas morning. I usually drink an entire pitcher every Christmas. Maybe thats why i forgot to call? sorry.
-adam jones.
1. picture of you with random blacks and hi-fiving whites: darnell looks more like a Carlton to me like Carlton Banks. you should borrow that shirt from shanice, i think you would look stunning in it. i picture you stepping out of your BMW while talking on your Blackberry after just receiving a $300 hair styling and mani and pedi all with shanice's shirt on. ITB?
in that picture i feel the gloves are obnoxious, i mean do you have a cigarette holder in your other hand?
2. I always thought of mimosas as being more orange in color, but they are delicious especially on Christmas morning. I usually drink an entire pitcher every Christmas. Maybe thats why i forgot to call? sorry.
-adam jones.
m1 hangin out with her favorite friends
trying to get some of them to rent her apartment. too bad they aren't drinking spritzers like her. shanice, andre, and darnell look a bit skeptical of her. but evan and jennifer are loving it!!!!!
2009: the year of yellow
I just found out the pantone color of the year for 2009. YELLOW. on top of that, its called mimosa.
Pantone says "The color yellow exemplifies the warmth and nurturing quality of the sun, properties we as humans are naturally drawn to for reassurance," explains Leatrice Eiseman, executive director of the Pantone Color Institute®. "Mimosa also speaks to enlightenment, as it is a hue that sparks imagination and innovation."
Get ready for the year of yellow. I can't wait.
KGree, I grant your wish true
KGree: Gemini
I'm pleased to be able to offer you a Zen riddle that will prepare you well for the immediate future. Study it, meditate on it, and refer back to it often when dealing with upcoming challenges. Question: What did the big chimney say to the little chimney? Answer: nothing. Chimneys can't talk. I don't want to explain all the nuances of this helpful conundrum, Gemini, because it'll serve you better if you come to your own conclusions. But I'll get you started with this hint: Be vigilant for trick questions, and don't let those trick questions frame the debates you engage in. Do you know what red herrings and straw men are? Don't get distracted by them.
I can offer you a zen riddle too. What did m2 say to the man who threw her under the bus? Answer: Fuck your ass.
Okay girl, team o misses you!!
I'm pleased to be able to offer you a Zen riddle that will prepare you well for the immediate future. Study it, meditate on it, and refer back to it often when dealing with upcoming challenges. Question: What did the big chimney say to the little chimney? Answer: nothing. Chimneys can't talk. I don't want to explain all the nuances of this helpful conundrum, Gemini, because it'll serve you better if you come to your own conclusions. But I'll get you started with this hint: Be vigilant for trick questions, and don't let those trick questions frame the debates you engage in. Do you know what red herrings and straw men are? Don't get distracted by them.
I can offer you a zen riddle too. What did m2 say to the man who threw her under the bus? Answer: Fuck your ass.
Okay girl, team o misses you!!
Thursday, December 11, 2008
AMO's crazy astrology
MH: Pisces
There's a new elective surgery that makes it impossible to ever blush again. It's an expensive procedure that involves boring a hole in your armpit and cutting the nerve endings that are responsible. I wouldn't recommend it for you, even though you're entering a phase when you'll be more prone than usual to blushing. Why? Because, according to my projections, your main reason for blushing in the coming days will be due to receiving sudden, unexpected, or long-withheld praise. I believe it'll be a time when you're acknowledged for the good things you do. Blush away!
alright lets all make MH blush. i think the best way to do this is to fart next to her and then walk away so it gets blamed on her.
AMO: Cancer
I've got three related questions for you, Cancerian. 1. Are there any roles you play in which your selfish and unselfish tendencies overlap? 2. What situations allow you to be most completely yourself as you provide a fine service to others? 3. Which of your skills generate the most blessings and gifts? The next 12 months will be a favorable time for you to identify these roles, situations, and skills, and cultivate them to the max. You'll have prime opportunities to express your special genius while doing good deeds.
i've got 3 answers for ya:
1. team olson blog
2. team olson blog
3. team olson blog
looks like i am in for the win on this one.
M1: Virgo
After meditating on how best to energize your love life, I decided to direct you to this passage from John Welwood's book Perfect Love, Imperfect Relationships: Healing the Wound of the Heart: "Everyone knows perfect love in their heart, for the human heart is a direct channel through which absolute love pours into this world. At the same time, human relationships are imperfect expressions of that love. This creates a painful gap between the perfect love we know in our hearts and the imperfect, incomplete ways it is expressed in our relationships. When we imagine that relative human love should be something it is not -- absolutely unconditional -- we suffer disappointment and wind up distrusting love itself. We also hold grievances against others for not loving us rightly or against ourselves for not having won that love. This gives rise to a universal human wound -- the sense of not feeling loved for who we are."
ok m1, we'll talk about this later. hit me up on the g.
KMO/SBMO: Scorpio
In one episode of the TV show "Seinfeld," Elaine couldn't get her favorite Chinese restaurant to deliver take-out food to her apartment. The manager said her neighborhood was just beyond the boundary of where his drivers were authorized to travel. But Elaine was determined. She went over to the apartment building across the street, which was within the restaurant's delivery zone, and set up an alternate home for herself in a janitor's closet. I suggest you adopt a similar strategy, Scorpio. If you can't get what you want in the place where you are, shift your location.
i remember this. its also the episode where kramer adopts a one mile strip of the highway and changes it from a 4 lane highway to a more "luxurious" 2 lane highway. so kmo and sbmo, while you are on the path to what you want, be sure not to adopt anything and try to make it better (kmo that goes for you and your chawbacons)
its thursday, go fuck your ass,
amo
There's a new elective surgery that makes it impossible to ever blush again. It's an expensive procedure that involves boring a hole in your armpit and cutting the nerve endings that are responsible. I wouldn't recommend it for you, even though you're entering a phase when you'll be more prone than usual to blushing. Why? Because, according to my projections, your main reason for blushing in the coming days will be due to receiving sudden, unexpected, or long-withheld praise. I believe it'll be a time when you're acknowledged for the good things you do. Blush away!
alright lets all make MH blush. i think the best way to do this is to fart next to her and then walk away so it gets blamed on her.
AMO: Cancer
I've got three related questions for you, Cancerian. 1. Are there any roles you play in which your selfish and unselfish tendencies overlap? 2. What situations allow you to be most completely yourself as you provide a fine service to others? 3. Which of your skills generate the most blessings and gifts? The next 12 months will be a favorable time for you to identify these roles, situations, and skills, and cultivate them to the max. You'll have prime opportunities to express your special genius while doing good deeds.
i've got 3 answers for ya:
1. team olson blog
2. team olson blog
3. team olson blog
looks like i am in for the win on this one.
M1: Virgo
After meditating on how best to energize your love life, I decided to direct you to this passage from John Welwood's book Perfect Love, Imperfect Relationships: Healing the Wound of the Heart: "Everyone knows perfect love in their heart, for the human heart is a direct channel through which absolute love pours into this world. At the same time, human relationships are imperfect expressions of that love. This creates a painful gap between the perfect love we know in our hearts and the imperfect, incomplete ways it is expressed in our relationships. When we imagine that relative human love should be something it is not -- absolutely unconditional -- we suffer disappointment and wind up distrusting love itself. We also hold grievances against others for not loving us rightly or against ourselves for not having won that love. This gives rise to a universal human wound -- the sense of not feeling loved for who we are."
ok m1, we'll talk about this later. hit me up on the g.
KMO/SBMO: Scorpio
In one episode of the TV show "Seinfeld," Elaine couldn't get her favorite Chinese restaurant to deliver take-out food to her apartment. The manager said her neighborhood was just beyond the boundary of where his drivers were authorized to travel. But Elaine was determined. She went over to the apartment building across the street, which was within the restaurant's delivery zone, and set up an alternate home for herself in a janitor's closet. I suggest you adopt a similar strategy, Scorpio. If you can't get what you want in the place where you are, shift your location.
i remember this. its also the episode where kramer adopts a one mile strip of the highway and changes it from a 4 lane highway to a more "luxurious" 2 lane highway. so kmo and sbmo, while you are on the path to what you want, be sure not to adopt anything and try to make it better (kmo that goes for you and your chawbacons)
its thursday, go fuck your ass,
amo
Wednesday, December 10, 2008
"The REALIST's Guide to Dating in 2009"
He claims to have dating all figured out. the new version of he's just not that into you.
bigdog: what you going out on dates purely to make your life more entertaining?
me: itb? HAHAHAHAHAH
bigdog: you don't see what's wrong with that?
me: thats hilarious
bigdog: you need me to coach you
me: omg
bigdog: what you going out on dates purely to make your life more entertaining?
me: itb? HAHAHAHAHAH
bigdog: you don't see what's wrong with that?
me: thats hilarious
bigdog: you need me to coach you
me: omg
Lesson 1: Everything DOES NOT happen for a reason
Lesson 2: SOULMATES do not EXIST
Lesson 3: It's a numbers game...meet as many people as possible...in other words, stop dating dudes from Frederick
I should sell these services
I should sell these services
Lesson 4: They are probably cheating on you...go through their phone
stfu. hilarious. m1
stfu. hilarious. m1
kmo and her favorite chawbacons
just another friday night at mee-maw's house. her boyfriend bud seems to be in a sour mood, but atleast grammpy is smiling! and look at her new neice darlene! so precious! becky-jo must be so proud....
Tuesday, December 9, 2008
*** BREAKING STORY ON THE 5 O'CLOCK NEWS***
PLEASE EVERYONE STOP WHAT YOU ARE DOING THIS INSTANT (YOU OBVI ALREADY HAVE BECAUSE YOU ARE CHECKING THE BLOG) AND OPEN A NEW TAB WITH GOOGLE.COM. TYPE "TEAM OLSON" INTO THE SEARCH ENGINE. WE ARE GOOGLEABLE. OUR LIFE IS COMPLETE.
I would like to take a moment to thank you all for your hard work and devotion to team olson over the past couple of weeks. We could not have done this without your consistent lack of productivity at work and your immense desire to read our blog. We hope to be your main source of entertainment for years to come.
It's 5 o'clock here. Go fuck your ass.
love, amo
I would like to take a moment to thank you all for your hard work and devotion to team olson over the past couple of weeks. We could not have done this without your consistent lack of productivity at work and your immense desire to read our blog. We hope to be your main source of entertainment for years to come.
It's 5 o'clock here. Go fuck your ass.
love, amo
Comments to Pacman's blog. Love, kmo
1. good work. You can hold your own on the blogosphere (did i just call it that?)
2. hands down the best line in this blog is...... I would never have my mother anywhere near me while entertaining sluts. ...... pure. genius.
3. Lark Voorhies ... wtf? what/who is that?
4. that show with the people trying to fit in the holes in the walls is the most ridiculous thing ive ever seen.
5. i know you know none of us saw the army/navy game. but thanks for the vote of tom-boy confidence. we'll google the uniforms and confer about their relevance to team olson.
6. since when is your name Adam?
fya,
jb's cuzz... the younger one.
Reality Televison- Pacman Jones
This is my first blog that I actually know will be posted. (Def appreciate that L.E.O) Im very nervous. I feel like I am making the trek up at the beginning of the roller coaster. But anyway here goes:
Over the past couple years I have noticed television shows have gone from bad to terrible. Gone are the days when a person could watch quality shows like fresh prince, saved by the bell, the cosbys, mr belvedere or even hey Dude from Nickelodeon. I think we are witnessing what is rock bottom in the television industry. I saw one show that the whole Idea was to try to fit through a hole in the wall that moves at them. Next I think there should be a game show where the loser is flat out put to death. I think they already have it in Japan. What suspense that would be. Whatever happened to actors acting? I suffered through the real worlds dominating MTV ( Music Television) , then came real world road rules challenge. What happened to the music? I want to watch MTV Jams not TRL. Oh yeah, you only get MTV jams if you have direct TV. Then came all of the survivors, bachelor, bachelorette, wife swap and I don’t know how much more I can stomach.
But with all that said I think I just found the worst one ever. Oh, I’m sure you girls will be tuning in to it. The advertisement I saw was for a show called mamas boy or something like that. It was similar to the bachelor. Three studs with spiked up hair and house full of sluts. If that isn’t family tv I don’t what is. But the best part about this show is that the mothers are involved in the dates or at least that is what it looks like. This to me is the furthest thing from reality. I would never have my mother anywhere near me while entertaining sluts. As a matter of fact, my mother has only ever known me to be in 1 relationship in my life. In my family we even have codes to discuss such things with my brothers while in front of my mother. For instance, if we are talking about sex we say porking, porked, pork her or a pork session (extended period of time). This originates from the movie National lampoons European vacation when russ says to Clark W. Griswald, “ I think hes gonna pork her day… no hes not gonna pork her Russ… Maybe he is gonna pork her.” We also have codes for girls so my mother can butt in and figure out who we are talking about. For instance m1 would be Jb’s Cuz and kmo would be JB’s Cuz the younger one. My mom has no idea who we are talking about. She has however found out what porking means and she is disgusted with it. At thanksgiving I guess I had been talking about porking too much or something and she got really mad, so when my brother came in the room I was like, “ don’t talk about pork sessions at all” my mom got all mad cuz I said it again and I was like “ im just letting him Know”. So you see these reality shows are just the furthest thing from reality.
What ever happened to quality acting from stars like Dennis Haskins, Lark Voorhies, and Dustin Diamond from Good Morning Miss Bliss?
On a side note, did you girls see army’s uniforms during the army vs. navy game last week? Camouflage. I think they could be on to something, camo team olson shirts.
Okay playas
Respectfully Yours,
Adam Jones
finn's ewej
the ewej. short for usual (finn and i had a 3 hour discussion over many pbr's on how to spell this - and this is what we came up with. itb? btw i changed my editing color to yellow so i could match our new layout. dilligaf.)
here i am eating dinner in my bedroom with a FULL glass of wine (TTO) ... hiding from from my mom & the condo association board members. most of the time they hang out drink wine & gossip about the weird man/boy that lives down the hall who screams at people (haha is that you? jk :) ), sometimes they just hang out (and watch oprah sex specials), and on the rare occasion they make spreadsheets or plant shrubbery... while drinking wine. so yeah im hiding from a bunch of boring multi-ethnic 35-55 y.o. women. (fuck their ass)
i realllly reallly really need to stop drinking all this wine & find myself an apt. only then can i stop hiding my expansive liquor collection in my closet, on my shoe rack, where i should keep my shoes. (sounds like you need a closet organizing lesson from team o. we charge $75 an hour, first session is free!) my shoes, instead, go on the floor & around my bed/ at the doorway. which is where my clothes should go, on the floor. but since they can't go there i pile them up really high in my laundry bag. obvi the next best place to put them....(shakes head no) the clean ones go on top & the really dirty clothes that haven't been washed for like a year (yeah.... about that) just stay on the bottom of the barrel b/c CFL im sure they're outta style by now anyways. scratch that, i never go out of style, and neither do my fly ass clothes. (shakes head yes) they just get dirty and end up being in style again like 5 years later when i decide to wash them. and that will probably be b/c i got drunk and spilled red wine on all my other clothes. typs.
the sad thing is im writing this blog right now b/c i don't want to sort my laundry so i can do a wash. after this i'll probably end up watching Its Always Sunny or The Daily Show (im going to wednesday's taping! i really hope obama is gonna be there) on Hulu while bf'ing/constantly checking the blog/thinking of funny LoLcats i might want to do (i'm glad this comes after checking the blog.) / i'll probably make a LOLbama instead. slash.. slash.. i never got my free dr. pepper when the new GnR album came out.. thats too bad (pause. NAHT)
less than three, (fuck your ass),
sbmo (amo)
here i am eating dinner in my bedroom with a FULL glass of wine (TTO) ... hiding from from my mom & the condo association board members. most of the time they hang out drink wine & gossip about the weird man/boy that lives down the hall who screams at people (haha is that you? jk :) ), sometimes they just hang out (and watch oprah sex specials), and on the rare occasion they make spreadsheets or plant shrubbery... while drinking wine. so yeah im hiding from a bunch of boring multi-ethnic 35-55 y.o. women. (fuck their ass)
i realllly reallly really need to stop drinking all this wine & find myself an apt. only then can i stop hiding my expansive liquor collection in my closet, on my shoe rack, where i should keep my shoes. (sounds like you need a closet organizing lesson from team o. we charge $75 an hour, first session is free!) my shoes, instead, go on the floor & around my bed/ at the doorway. which is where my clothes should go, on the floor. but since they can't go there i pile them up really high in my laundry bag. obvi the next best place to put them....(shakes head no) the clean ones go on top & the really dirty clothes that haven't been washed for like a year (yeah.... about that) just stay on the bottom of the barrel b/c CFL im sure they're outta style by now anyways. scratch that, i never go out of style, and neither do my fly ass clothes. (shakes head yes) they just get dirty and end up being in style again like 5 years later when i decide to wash them. and that will probably be b/c i got drunk and spilled red wine on all my other clothes. typs.
the sad thing is im writing this blog right now b/c i don't want to sort my laundry so i can do a wash. after this i'll probably end up watching Its Always Sunny or The Daily Show (im going to wednesday's taping! i really hope obama is gonna be there) on Hulu while bf'ing/constantly checking the blog/thinking of funny LoLcats i might want to do (i'm glad this comes after checking the blog.) / i'll probably make a LOLbama instead. slash.. slash.. i never got my free dr. pepper when the new GnR album came out.. thats too bad (pause. NAHT)
less than three, (fuck your ass),
sbmo (amo)
Monday, December 8, 2008
"ouch don't hurt my neck"-m1 when i was little
so i stopped by to exchange cars last night with my Dad and this is the site that i saw... a 16 year old who got back together with his ex girlfriend.
riiiiiiiht.
m1
riiiiiiiht.
m1
it must be rain drops falling from my eyes...for a man ain't supposed to cry
Um, I’m really glad that you guys laughed so hard. As you were doing that laughing, I was getting shocked and stabbed with needles and electric shocks at Johns Hopkins. It sucked in the worst way. The needles were being moved around in my muscles and it hurt so bad I thought I was gonna have to start singing “ it must be rain drops falling from me eye… for a man ain’t supposed to cry”
But I would like to say thank you for sending me the mag finally. I figured that email may motivate you to complete that nearly impossible task. Did you like how included that guy Ross, I have his Business Card still from the time he gave it to me at the Tourism thing like a year ago. I did read your posting of my email on your blog and I noticed you did some deleting. I thought that was funny. We have all made some decisions in the past that might not be the best for our future. You
have to live with that one, and ill never let you forget that. I
think my fav lines in the email I wrote were about the weight lifting gloves you once told me about( I frequently picture you just going crazy pumping iron in the gym with these glove son). I also like the donuts thing, that was so funny to me when you talked about making donuts.
About the blogging. I have looked at your blog several times and I must say I am a little intimidated. I have no idea how this works. I cant tell who is writing they blogs. They are not all you are they? I definitely could add plenty to the conversation especially with my knowledge of saved by the bell. But im slightly nervous. Its like when you are a virgin and thinking about having sex you think it will be great but you are nervous cuz you are not sure if you will be doing it right. It might be best if I sent you emails and then you copied and pasted them as your blog. That way I could be like a ghostwriter for the blog. Let me know what you think.
Oh yeah one last thing, I got invited to my sons birthday party this weekend. He just turned 5. The party is put on by his mother, so I will be pretty much walking into enemy territory, but I am excited to go because he has asked me over and over if I will come. Anyway, what I thought was funny is as soon as I hung up the phone with his mother when she called to invite me, she texted me and asked if id pay for half.
What are your thoughts?
So that’s it.
Later alligator
"Pacman" jones
But I would like to say thank you for sending me the mag finally. I figured that email may motivate you to complete that nearly impossible task. Did you like how included that guy Ross, I have his Business Card still from the time he gave it to me at the Tourism thing like a year ago. I did read your posting of my email on your blog and I noticed you did some deleting. I thought that was funny. We have all made some decisions in the past that might not be the best for our future. You
have to live with that one, and ill never let you forget that. I
think my fav lines in the email I wrote were about the weight lifting gloves you once told me about( I frequently picture you just going crazy pumping iron in the gym with these glove son). I also like the donuts thing, that was so funny to me when you talked about making donuts.
About the blogging. I have looked at your blog several times and I must say I am a little intimidated. I have no idea how this works. I cant tell who is writing they blogs. They are not all you are they? I definitely could add plenty to the conversation especially with my knowledge of saved by the bell. But im slightly nervous. Its like when you are a virgin and thinking about having sex you think it will be great but you are nervous cuz you are not sure if you will be doing it right. It might be best if I sent you emails and then you copied and pasted them as your blog. That way I could be like a ghostwriter for the blog. Let me know what you think.
Oh yeah one last thing, I got invited to my sons birthday party this weekend. He just turned 5. The party is put on by his mother, so I will be pretty much walking into enemy territory, but I am excited to go because he has asked me over and over if I will come. Anyway, what I thought was funny is as soon as I hung up the phone with his mother when she called to invite me, she texted me and asked if id pay for half.
What are your thoughts?
So that’s it.
Later alligator
"Pacman" jones
Sunday, December 7, 2008
things i'm over: volume 1
things i'm over: teenagers calling me a lady.
i was in starbucks doing what i always do in starbucks - using the bathroom. for the record, nyc has an extreme shortage of public restrooms. sometimes there just isn't anywhere in the vicinity for you to duck into an alley and squat - so you are forced to sneak into starbucks, avoid their coffee, and make a sprint to the bathroom. (there are usually anywhere between 5 and 20 people in line before you, so try to plan accordingly to avoid any disastrous MBO's or pants peeing.) anyways, back to my story. i was waiting in a line of about 8 people - all teenagers. they were all flirting with each other and being normal dumbass 17ish year olds. so then i get to the front of the line and two of the girls are blocking the door to the women's room cackling about some hot dude. so their guy friend yells at them to move because "the lady behind them needs to use the bathroom."
okay. there are a lot of things wrong with that statement.
1. i didnt even have to use the bathroom that bad, and he made it look like i was about to MBO
2. i was only 7 years older than them MAX - therefore i should still be referred to as "girl," "hot chick," or "cougar"
3. LADY! what am i, 100 years old? at what point is it okay to be called that by someone over 5 years old?
i followed it up with a smile and a suprised "am i really a lady? im only 24"
he followed up with an awkward "omg the lady just got mad that i called her a lady" look and then a quick look to the floor, where his eyes stayed for the duration of our encounter.
so i went in the bathroom and shut the door and cried. but really i just peed and then walked out of the bathroom and they were already gone - so i forgot about it and then went along living my anti-lady-life.
love, amo
i was in starbucks doing what i always do in starbucks - using the bathroom. for the record, nyc has an extreme shortage of public restrooms. sometimes there just isn't anywhere in the vicinity for you to duck into an alley and squat - so you are forced to sneak into starbucks, avoid their coffee, and make a sprint to the bathroom. (there are usually anywhere between 5 and 20 people in line before you, so try to plan accordingly to avoid any disastrous MBO's or pants peeing.) anyways, back to my story. i was waiting in a line of about 8 people - all teenagers. they were all flirting with each other and being normal dumbass 17ish year olds. so then i get to the front of the line and two of the girls are blocking the door to the women's room cackling about some hot dude. so their guy friend yells at them to move because "the lady behind them needs to use the bathroom."
okay. there are a lot of things wrong with that statement.
1. i didnt even have to use the bathroom that bad, and he made it look like i was about to MBO
2. i was only 7 years older than them MAX - therefore i should still be referred to as "girl," "hot chick," or "cougar"
3. LADY! what am i, 100 years old? at what point is it okay to be called that by someone over 5 years old?
i followed it up with a smile and a suprised "am i really a lady? im only 24"
he followed up with an awkward "omg the lady just got mad that i called her a lady" look and then a quick look to the floor, where his eyes stayed for the duration of our encounter.
so i went in the bathroom and shut the door and cried. but really i just peed and then walked out of the bathroom and they were already gone - so i forgot about it and then went along living my anti-lady-life.
love, amo
Thursday, December 4, 2008
i never make scenes (shakes head yes)
so last night was my company's christmas party. i know, i know december third thats a little early right? and on a wednesday? what were they thinking.
i will preface this entry with a little back story of who we are as a company: i work in an office full of beligerant alcoholics. we work hard (sometimes), but if any slight opportunity comes up that could possibly be excused as means for celebration - we embrace it. usually with beer and popcorn - pretty tame. we typically have 1-2 of these "celebrations" a week - and they usually start around 4:30. on other occasions where the means for celebrating is a little more noteworthy - we usually just leave the office at lunch and then go straight to happy hour and by 7 o'clock we're 3 sheets to the wind and still going strong.
soooo, now that you are up to date on our office structure - let me get to the real story.
the only thing they tell us about the party is that it is on december third and the "bus is picking us up from the office at 3 pm." thats it. we have no idea where we are going or what we will be doing once we get there. some rumors were floating around that we were gonna be on a boat - so i went ahead and bought some "sea-bands" just incase - i did not want to take any risks in being less than tip-top shape to party. the day up until 3 pm was pretty much a waste because we were all so excited to get slammered. i made sure to eat breakfast and lunch so i could absorb as much alcohol as needed. because we get in trouble if we stop drinking at these events. (at last years party i was drinking a beer and my boss yelled at me for not drinking liquor and called me a wimp)
the bus picks us up at 3. its one of those cute little charter buses that has about 25 seats - one that you usually see around airports. its about an hour and twenty minute busride to the location - not much happened so i won't bore you with details. we pull into the blue hill at stone barn restaurant thats located on the old rockefellar estate. its premise is that they grow and raise all of their food and meat - and then serve it to you that day. delicious. ($11 wasted on sea bands) so we all do a couple ooo's and aaa's at how pretty and serene everything is and its so nice to get out of the city blah blah blah - and then we all run to the bar. we all had a cocktail (dirty martini for me) and loosened up a bit - then moved on to the party room. here they were serving us hors d'oeuvres and wine/champagne. i proceed to break a glass by backing into a table and knocking a martini glass on the floor. awkward silence while everyone looks around trying to see who it was - me yelling "sorry guys, that was me." awkward silence. then we move on.
dinner is amazing. the wine and food are so delicious. the bosses give toasts. a couple others follow up with short toasts. then my boss stands up acting like he is giving another and says "and now for alison's toast." fuck. im bad at this. i stumble my way through it - looking back on it i have no idea what i said. so then i chug some more wine to forget it. mission accomplished.
long story short we continue drinking and getting louder and louder and more and more intoxicated - and before we know it its 10 pm and time to leave. we board the bus. i didnt feel that drunk but i obviously was based on the following portion. i proceed to pass out almost immediatly - god only knows for how long - and i wake up very abruptly realizing that i am about to throw up. i somehow manage to get my coworker to get a bag for me - and i proceed to lose that delicious dinner a couple times. never made it to that bus bathroom. just puked in a bag in front of all of my coworkers. awesome. and then dumped the contents of my purse on the floor. awesome x 2. trainwreck city. population: me.
we get back to the city - about half of the people continue drinking (apparently til 4 am - fuck their ass) and half of us go home. in order to keep myself from making more of a scene - i send myself home at 11 pm.
alright girl, so thats our xmas party in a nutshell. today i got called a lightweight wimp about 400 times, found a cut/bruise on my foot, my shoulder is swollen, and at 730 pm i found gum in my hair (apparently i walked around all day without noticing it.) is that bad?
love, amo
i will preface this entry with a little back story of who we are as a company: i work in an office full of beligerant alcoholics. we work hard (sometimes), but if any slight opportunity comes up that could possibly be excused as means for celebration - we embrace it. usually with beer and popcorn - pretty tame. we typically have 1-2 of these "celebrations" a week - and they usually start around 4:30. on other occasions where the means for celebrating is a little more noteworthy - we usually just leave the office at lunch and then go straight to happy hour and by 7 o'clock we're 3 sheets to the wind and still going strong.
soooo, now that you are up to date on our office structure - let me get to the real story.
the only thing they tell us about the party is that it is on december third and the "bus is picking us up from the office at 3 pm." thats it. we have no idea where we are going or what we will be doing once we get there. some rumors were floating around that we were gonna be on a boat - so i went ahead and bought some "sea-bands" just incase - i did not want to take any risks in being less than tip-top shape to party. the day up until 3 pm was pretty much a waste because we were all so excited to get slammered. i made sure to eat breakfast and lunch so i could absorb as much alcohol as needed. because we get in trouble if we stop drinking at these events. (at last years party i was drinking a beer and my boss yelled at me for not drinking liquor and called me a wimp)
the bus picks us up at 3. its one of those cute little charter buses that has about 25 seats - one that you usually see around airports. its about an hour and twenty minute busride to the location - not much happened so i won't bore you with details. we pull into the blue hill at stone barn restaurant thats located on the old rockefellar estate. its premise is that they grow and raise all of their food and meat - and then serve it to you that day. delicious. ($11 wasted on sea bands) so we all do a couple ooo's and aaa's at how pretty and serene everything is and its so nice to get out of the city blah blah blah - and then we all run to the bar. we all had a cocktail (dirty martini for me) and loosened up a bit - then moved on to the party room. here they were serving us hors d'oeuvres and wine/champagne. i proceed to break a glass by backing into a table and knocking a martini glass on the floor. awkward silence while everyone looks around trying to see who it was - me yelling "sorry guys, that was me." awkward silence. then we move on.
dinner is amazing. the wine and food are so delicious. the bosses give toasts. a couple others follow up with short toasts. then my boss stands up acting like he is giving another and says "and now for alison's toast." fuck. im bad at this. i stumble my way through it - looking back on it i have no idea what i said. so then i chug some more wine to forget it. mission accomplished.
long story short we continue drinking and getting louder and louder and more and more intoxicated - and before we know it its 10 pm and time to leave. we board the bus. i didnt feel that drunk but i obviously was based on the following portion. i proceed to pass out almost immediatly - god only knows for how long - and i wake up very abruptly realizing that i am about to throw up. i somehow manage to get my coworker to get a bag for me - and i proceed to lose that delicious dinner a couple times. never made it to that bus bathroom. just puked in a bag in front of all of my coworkers. awesome. and then dumped the contents of my purse on the floor. awesome x 2. trainwreck city. population: me.we get back to the city - about half of the people continue drinking (apparently til 4 am - fuck their ass) and half of us go home. in order to keep myself from making more of a scene - i send myself home at 11 pm.
alright girl, so thats our xmas party in a nutshell. today i got called a lightweight wimp about 400 times, found a cut/bruise on my foot, my shoulder is swollen, and at 730 pm i found gum in my hair (apparently i walked around all day without noticing it.) is that bad?
love, amo
the infamous college humor interview....
What's one thing all guys do that they shouldn't?
Guys should not whistle. At all. Especially if they are in a moving vehicle. I have never met a girl that really likes to be whistled at.
Are you hot?
Um... am I? Isn't that what you're supposed to be deciding?
How hard did/do you want Jonathan Taylor Thomas (JTT)?
Oh my god... very much so. He was every girls dream guy back in the day. Until there was that rumor that he was gay. Is that a rumor? Then I moved on to Devon Sawa. He was crazy hot.
Zack or Slater?
Zack. Slater was a really good dancer which made me question his sexuality. Plus I wasn't really into his greasy mullet. Zack all day. He was kind of a bad boy. Which was hot.
What Disney character would you be and why?
I would like to the be Wendy from Peter Pan. I always had a thing for Peter Pan. He was kind of hot. Plus he could fly. And since Wendy was his main squeeze... well you know.
Favorite Smell:
This is very strange BUT I love the smell of beer, cigarettes, and cologne. Like all mixed together. I don't know why but it gets me every time.
Have you ever hooked up with someone way less attractive than you? If so, why?
Yes I have. I think everyone has. If they say they haven't then they're probably lying. I did it because alcohol was involved. I think that's obvious.
What's the TV show you're most embarrassed to admit you love?
I love The Hills. I really really love The Hills. Every person I have met is embarrassed to say they love The Hills. It's like two people meeting and not knowing what to talk about. You try and feel them out. "Sooo... Heidi is a mess..." The reaction can go either way. You can get someone who will totally agree. Or someone that will say "You watch that?!" Then you know that person can not be in your life. Haha.
What's worse on a guy, yellow teeth or BO?
Can I say both? Because both are bad. The only thing I can say is in a dark bar people cant see yellow teeth, but they can smell BO. But if I guy has both he's screwed.
Boxers or briefs? Why?
I like boxer briefs. It's like if boxers and briefs had a baby. Boxers are way to big and briefs don't really flatter anyone. So I would go with the boxer briefs.
Guys should not whistle. At all. Especially if they are in a moving vehicle. I have never met a girl that really likes to be whistled at.
Are you hot?
Um... am I? Isn't that what you're supposed to be deciding?
How hard did/do you want Jonathan Taylor Thomas (JTT)?
Oh my god... very much so. He was every girls dream guy back in the day. Until there was that rumor that he was gay. Is that a rumor? Then I moved on to Devon Sawa. He was crazy hot.
Zack or Slater?
Zack. Slater was a really good dancer which made me question his sexuality. Plus I wasn't really into his greasy mullet. Zack all day. He was kind of a bad boy. Which was hot.
What Disney character would you be and why?
I would like to the be Wendy from Peter Pan. I always had a thing for Peter Pan. He was kind of hot. Plus he could fly. And since Wendy was his main squeeze... well you know.
Favorite Smell:
This is very strange BUT I love the smell of beer, cigarettes, and cologne. Like all mixed together. I don't know why but it gets me every time.
Have you ever hooked up with someone way less attractive than you? If so, why?
Yes I have. I think everyone has. If they say they haven't then they're probably lying. I did it because alcohol was involved. I think that's obvious.
What's the TV show you're most embarrassed to admit you love?
I love The Hills. I really really love The Hills. Every person I have met is embarrassed to say they love The Hills. It's like two people meeting and not knowing what to talk about. You try and feel them out. "Sooo... Heidi is a mess..." The reaction can go either way. You can get someone who will totally agree. Or someone that will say "You watch that?!" Then you know that person can not be in your life. Haha.
What's worse on a guy, yellow teeth or BO?
Can I say both? Because both are bad. The only thing I can say is in a dark bar people cant see yellow teeth, but they can smell BO. But if I guy has both he's screwed.
Boxers or briefs? Why?
I like boxer briefs. It's like if boxers and briefs had a baby. Boxers are way to big and briefs don't really flatter anyone. So I would go with the boxer briefs.
Celebrity Status was the email title.
An email I just received:
I know that it must be hard being one of Frederick’s A list celebrities. I am sure that it can be very time consuming and that you must be terrific at managing time. But do you think that somehow in the middle of: your magazine add selling, myspace/ facebook surfing, church going, bike riding, lifting weights with lifting gloves, blogging, big sisters being, wine drinking due to rounding face, G Dub shopping, ice cream eating, Canadian Football Leagueing,phantom phone calling,less than serious boyfriend juggling, scrabble playing, homemade donut making, acting like you have no money and are gonna sell you car and rent you home and move back with your parents, team olson shirt wearing, and whatever else it is that you do, that you could drop off the magazine I requested some weeks ago. I had pretty much given up on that idea and was going to try to contact Ross at xxx-xxx-xxxx for a copy, but then you emailed saying it would be delivered shortly. Please define shortly.
Me wanting that issue and your pic being in it have nothing to do with one another, I know you find that hard to believe. It would be really nice if you do ever deliver this you could attach a special note stating what a great friend I am. Something about how I always have the best things to say to make you laugh at the times you most need it. You might want to even put a few of your famous homemade donuts in there.
If this is ever going to happen please let me know or I will just call Ross P?
Patrick “Packy”
I know that it must be hard being one of Frederick’s A list celebrities. I am sure that it can be very time consuming and that you must be terrific at managing time. But do you think that somehow in the middle of: your magazine add selling, myspace/ facebook surfing, church going, bike riding, lifting weights with lifting gloves, blogging, big sisters being, wine drinking due to rounding face, G Dub shopping, ice cream eating, Canadian Football Leagueing,phantom phone calling,less than serious boyfriend juggling, scrabble playing, homemade donut making, acting like you have no money and are gonna sell you car and rent you home and move back with your parents, team olson shirt wearing, and whatever else it is that you do, that you could drop off the magazine I requested some weeks ago. I had pretty much given up on that idea and was going to try to contact Ross at xxx-xxx-xxxx for a copy, but then you emailed saying it would be delivered shortly. Please define shortly.
Me wanting that issue and your pic being in it have nothing to do with one another, I know you find that hard to believe. It would be really nice if you do ever deliver this you could attach a special note stating what a great friend I am. Something about how I always have the best things to say to make you laugh at the times you most need it. You might want to even put a few of your famous homemade donuts in there.
If this is ever going to happen please let me know or I will just call Ross P?
Patrick “Packy”
MH is famous
Today I was chosen to be College Humor's Cute Girl of the Day.
Please refer to www.collegehumor.com if need be.
I did this as a joke. With who you ask? Primarily myself. I looked at the website one day and I thought if one day I could be the cutest girl. I looked at some of the other girls.... busted... busted...really cute....ok but has a weird shaped head....likes like a simpson...and pretty cute. After looking I felt like my odds were pretty good. So I applied. I made sure I submitted every picture that does not look like me in person.
Then on Monday I got the email. The cheesiest thing ever but I had gotten it!!! I had obtained my goal as the cutest girl.
And then I ran out into traffic because I knew my life could not get any better than this.... this is really MH's dad writing this.
Kidding. Obvi. Geeez. cfl.
Check it out and make sure to read my interview. And just to say a head of time... and yes I really did answer those questions like that. Team Olson it will not disappoint.
- MH
Wednesday, December 3, 2008
crop dusting
farting while walking;
walking while farting;
walking while farting;
i crop dusted my way down the aisle at the grocery stor
itb?
itb?
Tuesday, December 2, 2008
i'm baaaaack
i better post something before i get kicked out of team olson. i think we might be slacking right now and need to get our groove back. i just am so busy with my cake decorating class and new career in domestication its hard to take a break to write a blog.
here's the daily astrology report:
Cancer:
You're very fortunate today. You're able to craft agreements and alliances with people that not only appreciate and respect you but also want to help you. Because of today's new start and smart approach, your financial circumstances are very likely to improve. Stick with it. Don't pay attention to the drip-drip-drip torture dished out by screeching news broadcasts. Wrap your mind around your dreams, your many gifts and the incredible friends you have. These assets are priceless and long lasting. You can do a lot more with these blessings than with anything fear-based. Today, toss fear out on its ear, every time it comes near. You've got to keep your senses clean, positive and open in order to absorb the benefits that are absolutely within reach.
Virgo:
You're very intent on accomplishing a goal that, in your eyes, is taking too long. It's probably not, but a perfectionist and fast worker like you doesn't tolerate delays or foot dragging. Your fallback solution - kick butt! Because no one sees it coming or anticipates your being aggressive and borderline scary, your lean, mean fighting machine approach is shockingly effective. It's a wakeup call to sleepy heads who can't adjust to whatever time zone they're in. You go Virgo. You're the reincarnation of Joan d'Arc.
and for a general overview:
We can become emotionally detached as the Moon enters intellectual Aquarius at 1:44 am EST. Instead of seeking tried-and-true solutions, we are attracted to the brilliant but quirky ones. We are so enamored with a smart idea that we can forget to consider whether or not it will work. Concepts may be more important now than actual work, but the Moon forms a tense aspect to sobering Saturn to remind us that there is no easy escape from the real world.
alrighty girls have a terrific tuesday and go fuck your ass.
here's the daily astrology report:
Daily Horoscope: Scorpio: |
Cancer:
You're very fortunate today. You're able to craft agreements and alliances with people that not only appreciate and respect you but also want to help you. Because of today's new start and smart approach, your financial circumstances are very likely to improve. Stick with it. Don't pay attention to the drip-drip-drip torture dished out by screeching news broadcasts. Wrap your mind around your dreams, your many gifts and the incredible friends you have. These assets are priceless and long lasting. You can do a lot more with these blessings than with anything fear-based. Today, toss fear out on its ear, every time it comes near. You've got to keep your senses clean, positive and open in order to absorb the benefits that are absolutely within reach.
Virgo:
You're very intent on accomplishing a goal that, in your eyes, is taking too long. It's probably not, but a perfectionist and fast worker like you doesn't tolerate delays or foot dragging. Your fallback solution - kick butt! Because no one sees it coming or anticipates your being aggressive and borderline scary, your lean, mean fighting machine approach is shockingly effective. It's a wakeup call to sleepy heads who can't adjust to whatever time zone they're in. You go Virgo. You're the reincarnation of Joan d'Arc.
and for a general overview:
We can become emotionally detached as the Moon enters intellectual Aquarius at 1:44 am EST. Instead of seeking tried-and-true solutions, we are attracted to the brilliant but quirky ones. We are so enamored with a smart idea that we can forget to consider whether or not it will work. Concepts may be more important now than actual work, but the Moon forms a tense aspect to sobering Saturn to remind us that there is no easy escape from the real world.
alrighty girls have a terrific tuesday and go fuck your ass.
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