astrology yo

im sitting in the hotel lobby (apparently i didnt get the memo that we aren't meeting until 8) so while im waiting, here's some astrology for ya. 

CANCER:
Two of the best money-saving steps you can take, says TV's mock pundit Stephen Colbert, are to stop filling your hot tub with champagne and stop lining your gerbil's cage with hundred-dollar bills. I highly recommend that you brainstorm about initiating similar conservative and preservative actions, Cancerian. It's time for you to get really serious about shedding wasteful habits, cutting out needless excesses, and culling trivial activities that impinge on the time and energy you have available for the really important things. This shouldn't be a cause for demoralization, by the way. On the contrary, the more creative you are about setting limits, the more long-term blessings you'll set in motion.

welp. astrology has nailed it again. yesterday i found out that im not getting a christmas bonus and that they are cutting us down to a 4 day work week in december and maybe january, so on top of no bonus im losing 20% of my salary when i need it most - the holidays. great. guess i'll do my xmas shopping at the dollar store this christmas. it is really nice of the company to not lay anyone off though. very democratic of them. go 8!

VIRGO:
It might be a good idea to temporarily avoid wearing stiletto heels, Virgo. The risk of slipping while wearing them is greater than usual. In a similar vein, I suggest you refrain from tightrope walking, putting yourself on a pedestal, or dreaming of climbing a ladder to the clouds. Two more suggestions: Don't look down on people whom you imagine are inferior to you and don't promise more than you can deliver. You catch my drift? Stay away from high and mighty forms of expression. Choose low, deep, and funky positions instead. Be as down-to-earth as you can possibly be.

basically just have fun on vicodin.

SCORPIO:
At one point during the comedic film Life of Brian, set in ancient Rome, the hero Brian is working as a vendor selling snacks to spectators at a gladiator match. "Wrens' livers," he says. "Jaguars' earlobes. Wolf nipple chips. Get 'em while they're hot." A potential buyer turns to him and asks, "Got any nuts?" Brian says, "I haven't got any nuts. Sorry. I've got larks' tongues. Otters' noses. Ocelot spleens." Judging from your current astrological omens, Scorpio, I suspect you may soon be in a position analogous to the spectator. You will really want plain old basic nuts, but someone will be trying to get you to sample the wrens' livers. My advice? Steer clear of exotic stuff you don't have an appetite for. Hold out until the nuts are available.

jesus kmo and finn. your horoscopes are always so weird. just go gather some nuts.


xoxo, amo